"Words Matter"
By Jane A. Gordon

Words matter.

The subconscious has no sense of humor.

Think about that and remember. It’s worth repeating:

The subconscious has no sense of humor.

Even if we are joking by putting someone down, (either ourselves or someone else), despite intellectually knowing that the put-down is a joke, part of it goes into the subconscious literally, and makes us and/or others feel worse.

Instead of saying “I’m not good at (xxx)” try instead saying “I’m trying to get better at (xxx).” 

Even believing in this philosophy, when I was showing my jewelry on cruise ships, someone pointed out that I broke my own rule when I said “So sorry… I am not great at remembering names.”  After that, I started saying “I am trying to get better at remembering names.” Later I realized that by saying I wasn’t good at it, I was letting myself off the hook and was not even trying to remember.  Now I try little tricks to help me remember, for example, the woman who pointed that out to me was named Claire. She always wore a sailboat necklace.  So I reminded myself by thinking “Claire Sailing!” and I remember all these years later.

What we say to our subconscious is apparently even more effective than I had known all these years. There’s a perception-based concept called "Placebo sleep."  Researchers at Colorado College found that people were more productive, performed better at cognitive tasks, work, focus, etc. just because they were told, or told themselves, that they had a great night’s sleep…whether or not it was true.  The flip side… telling yourself or anyone else that you did not sleep well will negatively impact you and whatever you are doing.  

"Placebo sleep" seems to be more evidence holding up my theory about the importance of carefully choosing our words, both to ourselves and to others.

It always surprises me when people say “Don’t be negative” because in that three-word sentence, two of the words are negative…the opposite of the message.  Instead… say “Be positive!”

 

Words matter in so many other, often funny ways.  For example, when a sentence starts with the phrase “With all due respect” we know damn well there is no respect following that!

 No matter how positively a sentence starts, when ‘but’ is in the middle of a statement, everything that came before the ‘but

’ is negated and you’re going to get the ugly truth (which I will take anytime over pretty lies!)

When someone starts a sentence with “No offence” do we really think what is following is going to be sweet?  

Having said that, I digress a bit, but I have a theory about being offended, too.

• If someone wants to offend me, why give them the satisfaction?
• And if someone doesn’t intend to offend, why go there?

Two funny examples of people being unintentionally offensive both happened when I was showing my jewelry on cruise ships.

At the front desk a woman was being incredibly complimentary about my jewelry. I told her I designed it, that I was on the ship doing a trunk show, and that she could see more in the ship’s shop.

She explained that it was unnecessary, because she would just have her local jeweler copy it as she always did.

Another time a man was photographing one of my necklaces and even asked if I could take it out of the case so he could get better pictures.  I asked him about it, and he also said he was going to have his local jeweler copy it.

Imagine telling an artist right to their face that you’re planning to steal their designs! For starters it’s illegal.  Both could have been incredibly offensive,  but instead of feeling hurt or disturbed, I was fascinated and dumbfounded.  Clearly neither had any idea that stealing an artist’s work is wrong or they would not have told me so casually.

And there is an upside to my not getting offended… the guy did go to his local jeweler but ended up getting back in touch and buying the original necklace.

Back to words… note also that positive language isn't necessarily about pretending everything will work out perfectly. It's about choosing words that direct our attention toward what we want rather than what we fear.

So let’s play with some words and phrases:

“I’ll try” sounds a bit as if we have already given up.
“Let’s see what I can do.” — turns uncertainty into possibility.

 “This might be a stupid question” or “I guess”  both show lack of confidence and undermines yourself before starting.  Instead try “Here’s a question I’ve been wondering about…” or “Maybe you can help with this.”

Likewise, “Does that make sense?” sounds like you are doubting yourself or the other person.  Try instead, “Hopefully that was clear.” or “Do you have any questions?”

In summary, always remember that your choice of words does matter.  

The words we speak to others matter. The words we speak to ourselves may matter even more.

So choose words that open doors, create possibilities, shine light, and lift you up.  And always remember, let kindnedd be our guide.

A brighter life may begin with something as simple as choosing brighter words.